QBLOG #33 Birds of a Feather

It has been an interesting and trying week here in Iraq. I've had my own little pity party' this week. It tends to happen to me when I become exhausted and I loose the capacity to focus on what matters. We've been hit by mortars almost everyday last week, and several times each day. I probably say this too often, but I don't realize how much the incoming mortars can affect you...how they can affect me. It is as if all the energy in my body is drained. It does not happen during the attack. It tends to happen a few days after. With the constant attacks this week, it felt like a chasm was opening inside me and swallowing up every bit of energy I had. When this happens, my defenses are down and I tend to get emotional.

I was sitting in the DFAC watching the breaking news on CNN regarding the Israeli attacks on Southern Lebanon against Hezbollah and Hezbollah's return fire hitting the city of Haifa. I saw the bombing and the result and the fear on the faces of those that were interviewed. Anderson Cooper was commenting that Hezbollah stated they were not targeting civilians, but that the rockets they used were known for their inaccuracy. A soldier sitting beside me looked over with a huge smile on his face and stated, "heck that is what we get hit with all the time., isn't it?" It is not. Those are Rockets. We get mortared. It seems the same because both are inaccurate.

So many different things are going on around us. It seems difficult to figure out exactly what is happening. In an instant it is as if everything appears as it is. Yet in the next instant nothing appears to be as it is. It creates this sort of crash in your head as you attempt to pull everything apart piece by piece and then try to reorganize it in a way that will make sense. How is it that one makes sense out of the world as it is? Do you put the reality away and make something up that makes sense, or do you sit in the reality of it, bewildered?

Not long ago a bomb went off in Baghdad (ok, that is everyday here) that caused the government to implement a curfew. The curfew was sudden. We had many Iraqi's still here on base and when they discovered the curfew many of them panicked. They panicked for fear that their wives or children would be kidnapped, raped and/or killed. These men were distraught beyond belief crying almost beyond comfort- wanting, needing to get to their families. With the assistance of some soldiers, many of them made it back. How does one make sense of that fear or the basis for it? Another day comes and goes. Life goes on. The men come back to work, we forget about the bomb, about the curfew about the many innocents that are killed here and around the world everyday. It is too much for the mind to handle.

I have been taunted by several of my colleagues in Iraq about extending my tour. I have told them that I will not. They do not believe me. Many of them were here last year when I left. I swore then that it would be a cold day in Hades before I returned. I'm not sure when hell actually got cold, but it must have been around February this year. I could not imagine coming back at the end of my tour last year. When I returned home though, I truly felt like I had landed on another planet. Everything familiar to me was foreign to me. Every conversation was a test in my ability to not start screaming from the top of my voice, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE REST OF THE WORLD!!!" It was unfair and I restrained myself. But in that restraint I felt absolutely alone and lost. The only thing that seemed to make sense to me then was coming back to Iraq. In Iraq I could feel the raw emotion of the people. Of war. Of life. Of death. It sits there waiting for you to speak, to open up and take you. And it made absolutely no sense at all.

I've begun reading Anderson Cooper's, DISPATCHES FROM THE EDGE. There is absolutely nothing that I would have thought I had in common with Anderson Cooper. In reading just the first two chapters I found myself in tears and laughing and nodding in agreement with his thoughts, his words. He put into words how I and so many of us that have been deployed feel and have felt. There is something he says about the more times you leave your home, the harder it is to return. It is not about the people and it is all about the people. There are experiences that each circumstance brings, but they are not similar and yet they are all the same. You cannot talk about what you experience in a war zone, or a crisis area because there is so much emotion that you feel it will burst out of you like a crazy person and you won't be able to stop. You won't be able to control it. So you keep things back. You live in your dreams and nightmares and somehow, you are drawn back. Back is the place you can relate to others without sounding crazy. Back is where, in some strange twist of comprehension, you feel the most comfortable. Back is where your mind keeps saying no, but your emotions are drawing you ever closer to returning.

They say that birds of a feather flock together. It is true. And it isn't. The more life I live the more I find that there is no black and white. There is no simple right and wrong. There are fewer boundaries and yet there are more. Birds instinctually know when to leave and when to return. There are clues provided to them and they are open to receiving those clues and taking note when they need to move on. In Mr. Cooper's book he starts off talking about a shark. In order for the shark to live, it needs to be moving all the time in order for air to flow thru its gills so it can breathe. It is the only way for it to survive. The shark, of course, is a euphemism. The shark represent's himself and in his belief, he must always be moving in order to survive. Those around him are the same. This is what they do. It has helped me to understand my friend Eddie who is also a foreign correspondent now living in Africa. It is helping me understand parts about me.

Fear has been something I have talked and written and begged people to overcome. It has been my own need to overcome fear that has mostly prompted this tirade. I am beginning to see that fear is not all bad. Fear can indeed motivate us to move outside of the place of comfort we have created for ourselves. It can also keep us there. There comes a point in time for each of us when the pressure or the fear of remaining status quo becomes too great, and we move forward in order to live. We become the shark. We must survive.

I've now ranted on longer than intended. I find that thru this Blog I am able to share and say things that I am not always able to in person. This is my voice shared. I may sound crazy, but I am not privy to the looks that would say, "he's crazy!". Somehow it makes it better. Love has caused me to move in this direction. But fear was not absent. In the world, it seems, both must exist. The ying and yang. Good and Bad. One, it seems, cannot be without the other.

Be well. Be blessed. and as Gloria Vanderbilt told her son Anderson, "find your bliss".

Robert

July 4th, Camp Liberty Iraq

So, you were wondering what kind of July 4th those of us in Iraq had? It was pretty good. We were thankful that there were no fireworks on this day. It was very hot, but it did not stop us from playing some volleyball and hoops. We did not last long in the 120 degree heat, but we had fun. There was plenty of food for all AAFES employees on Victory Base Complex to include our local Iraqi employees and those from other countries (Pakistan, India, Nepal, Phillipines). I had wanted to post pictures of these folks, but for their saftey and the safety of their families I have removed those pictures. Such is life in Iraq.

July 4th in Iraq

4th of July

Montreal 2005 series 1 of 3

Some really cool places in the grand city of Montreal, Quebec -Canada

More Montreal

More pictures from Montreal...The picture in the window is from an art gallery in Old Town. The shadows picture is on the riverwalk. I walked everywhere I went in Montreal and then took the Adirondak Express to NYC to visit my friend Tim. A wonderful trip altogether.

Montreal 2005

As I become more adept at simply posting items on the Blog site, I am playing catch up. Here are some pics from my visit to Montreal last year. It was an incredible trip. If you ever have an opportunity to visit Montreal, I encourage you to do so.

Enjoy these pics!

Q-BLOG #32 Smallville

Smallville or the Mustard Seed

This past week I’ve been watching on DVD the TV series Smallville. For those not familiar with this series, it is basically the life of Clark Kent, Superman, growing up. I’ve become fascinated with this series because of the constant battle between good and evil, secrets and truth. The thing that grapples me is that on the outside it is about the good vs.. evil of people in general and the same with secrets and truth. It is also about the inner battle of these forces within each of us.

Yesterday during my viewing of the show, the town of Smallville was in the middle of encountering a meteor shower, when we were mortared. It was a huge BOOM! The trailer shook and I fell to the floor and waited. Nothing more came. As I was walking the lake earlier today, I thought about this coincidence and it made me think about the duality in each of us. It made me think about the duality in our world and the struggle for a balance between “the Force” and “the Dark Side”. Not only as in the struggle between Lex Luthor and Clark Kent, but the struggle within each of them and each of us.

There have been several letters to the editor of the Stars and Stripes these past weeks dealing with gays and marriage and sins and love on either side of the issue of two people who love each other that are of the same sex becoming a legal couple in the eyes of the state. The one comment that goaded me most was that of loving the sinner, but not the sin and then comparing gays to child molesters, murders and rapists. I had to laugh (an evil laugh) because most child molesters, murders and rapists are heterosexuals who have the right to marry. What did not make me laugh was the absence of the thought of and spirit of love. Murderers, child molesters and rapists do not love those who they focus their attention on. They do not want to create a life and a family with them. In fact, they most likely do not love themselves. It bothers me that if anything, you would think that people would be jumping at the chance to place gay people in loving relationships and building families. But fear comes in and fear is what keeps people at the 1st level of understanding. The level that says killing is only physical. The level that says loving is only biological. The level that says family is only blood.

These thoughts continued as I walked around the lake. Suddenly a light went on in me. But it wasn’t a light. It was a mustard seed. It was an understanding of the mustard seed that I’ve never had before. Why a mustard seed? It is biblical. It is powerful. It is modern. It is the smallest of seeds that create this incredibly large plant. It is the faith of the mustard seed on fertile soil that came into my thoughts. And there with the mustard seed was Lex Luthor and Clark Kent. Mother Teresa and Adolph Hitler. They were swirling in my mind and words of doubt and fear and love and hate swirled in my head. Gay people and witches and black people and Japanese and poor people and rich people and choices and fear and fear and love…and the mustard seed.

Within each of us is a mustard seed. This I believe without a doubt. The fertile soil can indeed be how we were raised, but salt can be put on fertile soil. The salt of doubt, fear, anger, of disapproval- of so many things. I’ve learned in my life that the crowd is not always right and in fact, is usually fickle. I’ve learned that just because someone can quote the bible and go to church does not make them a good or decent person. I’ve also learned that just because someone is an outcast and does not follow the norms of society does not mean that they are bad, or wrong. It goes back to the mustard seed.

You can name this little seed inside you whatever you like. The soul. The Holy Spirit. The God within. The Conscience. The Force. But it is there. And when we listen to it, fertilize it and allow it to grow, it is incredible. If we feed it, but don’t give it enough sunlight or water, we allow it to live, but not to reach its full potential. We in fact, limit it. When you allow it to love, you allow it to grow into a force that can indeed move mountains or run faster than a speeding bullet.

The times in my life that I felt absolutely invincible were those times that I was in love. Not simply in love with another person, but in love with myself and able to express my love to another person, fully. The phrase, the Commandment that simply came to mind to reflect the mustard seed was the second. Love thy neighbor has thy self. But there is an assumption in this commandment that I had not seen or understood before. It is an assumption even for the first Commandment. The assumption is that we indeed, love ourselves. For God would not want us to hate our neighbor as ourselves. The assumption that we love ourselves and therefore we would love our neighbor and bring them no harm is implicit.

There is much happening in the Middle East at the moment. There is much happening in the world. I looked in the newspaper for a sign of the mustard seed. I did not find it. I looked at the TV news for a sign of the mustard seed. I could not find it. I listened on the radio for a sign of the mustard seed. I could not find it. Then I walked the lake this afternoon and looked inside myself for a sign of the mustard seed….and I found it. It is starting to grow in this desert. It is finding that even in arid sand in the middle of a war, it can grow as long as there is love. It is love that provides all that we need. I used to laugh a sarcastic laugh at that phrase. After all, Love is only for lovers and poets. Then I discovered that I was a poet and understood. Love can provide everything because love will move mountains; climb the highest peak and walk the most arid desert to survive and to help others live their full potential.

There was a secret meeting that took place in Germany during the middle of WWII. It was convened to get support and provide for the final solution of the Jewish question. There was a German scientist who was against this and though he tried to convince the Commander of this meeting, he was ultimately swayed against his better judgment. In trying to sway the Commander, he told a story of a son who grew up hating his father but loving his mother. Years passed by and the mother died. And though the son thought that he would surely cry at his mother’s death, no tear was shed. Soon after his father died and the boy cried and indeed sobbed. The boy was shocked by this, for he so hated his father and had focused his energies on this hate that he certainly felt he would never cry at his fathers passing. But he did more than that, he sobbed.

The moral of this story is that when you focus your life on hate and when you lose the focus or the “thing” that the hate was directed at, you discover that you have indeed wasted your life and energy on hate. Had the focus been love, than all understanding of things can move from love and there is no sorrow and no regret.

Forget about hating the sin. Forget about hating. Simply love and that mustard seed will produce joy unimaginable.

Choose Love over fear.

Cultivate your mustard seed and watch it grow!

Blessings and Peace,

Robert

Q-BLOG #31 The Big "3D" Picture

To view pictures in 3D, visit: http://www.magiceye.com/client/new_years.html

Last Blog led to several emails, mostly about the song "Seasons of Love" and how people felt about it. It led to a conversation with my friend Tim Palmer about our individual journey's. He asked the questions, "I wonder how you will draw on this experience as you move forward in your life? I wonder where you go from here?" His questions led me to think about those 3D pictures done in dots. You know, the ones where you have to focus not on the dots, but sort of above them, in order for the picture to come into focus. If you try too hard, you don't see the picture. If you relax just a bit, suddenly, it comes into focus, and wa-la, you see the picture. You are amazed, because the reality is, the form was always there, it was just a matter of how you looked at it that finally allowed you to "discover" the entire picture.

My returning to Iraq was mostly to see if I could find a piece to a puzzle I felt was missing and one that seemed to be calling me back. I've tried to not focus on looking for the puzzle piece, but instead, waiting for it to reveal itself. I say this because I find that when I search for something, I can tear the entire contents of a room or house apart and not find it. When I am exhausted from this search, I sit down, relax and see that what I was looking for was in plain view.

I am wondering about the questions Tim asked. How will I draw from this experience and move forward? In some relaxed moments I feel I've seen the edges of the puzzle piece. Could I have "seen" this in the U.S.? Possibly, but I think there has been too much distraction there for me. In the U.S. I use time like a hungry person or maybe more like a glutton. Here in Iraq I am beginning to use time in a less manic way, almost to the point of being able to savor it instead of stuffing it down my throat not knowing or realizing what I've consumed.

Where will I go from here? My hope, my prayer is that I savor time each day, each minute instead of going through it like glutton, hungry to gobble up as much as I can as quickly as I can. What is the difference? I'll answer with a story. I feel like I've shared this before. At the moment I can't think of where I read this so it will be a bit general. The story is a familiar one with a modern day twist.

A study was being conducted at a seminary on how time can influence our decisions. The process was to give seminary students a sermon that they were to deliver to a waiting audience. The sermon was to be based on the parable of the Good Samaritan. There was a time limit. Each was given time to read the passage and prepare their sermon. Toward the end of the time, they were told,

1. They had ten minutes to get to the auditorium
2. They were to leave now in order not to be late, and
3. They were 5 minutes late.

Between the class room and the auditorium was a walk way. They had placed a person on this walkway that appeared to be in need of assistance. The results were astonishing. Remember, they had just read and prepared a sermon on The Good Samaritan. The student, who had 10 minutes before he was to appear, stopped and helped the person in need. The student who was just going to make it on time stopped and looked, but offered no help. The student who was late ran right past this person.

Are we focusing too hard on a goal or on a mission and letting the "picture" or experience of life evade us? Or are we allowing ourselves time to reveal the entire picture of life and our purpose in it? Are we rushing somewhere and ignoring or not seeing the "person in need"?

My journey forward needs to be taken more slowly so that I can see the things that are in plain view. Maybe then I will truly be able to see where I will go from here, but more importantly not to forget that it is all about the journey and less about where it ends.

I believe that each of us wants to find and know what our life purpose is. I feel I may know my own, but somehow I can't or won't acknowledge that purpose. Is this the missing piece? I've wondered lately if it is not so much a missing piece as it is a piece that needs to be removed. If something were covering an eye of the Mona Lisa, could we appreciate the picture or focus only on the what was covering the eye? Or like the 3D picture, where we must remove our perceptions and preconceived notions of how to 'see' something before we allow it to show itself. That is what I'm wondering. Our purpose, my purpose, like the 3D picture, is already there waiting only to be acknowledged.

As I began writing down the 30 things I want to have, the 30 things I want to do and the 30 things I want to be, I began focusing less on the notion of what I had learned to want to have, do and be and more on letting my heart tell me what I want to have, do and be. The edge of the picture is beginning to reveal itself. No - I am beginning to allow my eyes and heart to reveal the edge of the picture of my life and purpose which has been there all along waiting for me to acknowledge. It is there for you, waiting for you to acknowledge.

Let this journey take us to a point or place where we allow ourselves to acknowledge our purpose and taste the flavor that is life. May we sit at the table of life and savor each moment of time as we focus not on dessert, but on the people with whom we share the table.

Blessings and Peace. Choose love over fear. Eat slowly.

Robert

Memories of Kuwait

I'm running way behind on posting pictures from my time in Kuwait. Actually, I've only recently figured out how to load the pictures. I would say that I am still in the learning process.

If anyone wonders or wondered what type of conditions we are in, at least in Kuwait, here are some pics of the tents area and inside the tents. It is a regular Hilton hotel! (NOT!)

Remy

He's going to be 4 years old. I got him as a rescue when he was a little over one. My first pet since I was a child, who in many ways has become my "child". I never truly understood how folks treated their pets as children...until now. He is a challenge but then, so am I. He is staying with someone who I know will treat him as I would, and in some instances, better. Thank you again Johnice for taking Remy and making him part of your family while I am deployed.

Just a couple of pics, but they give you an idea of his personality...and truthfully, mine!

Time in Kuwait

I was sorting through pictures on my laptop yesterday and ran accross pictures that I took while I was in Kuwait. Almost everyone either going into Afghanistan or Iraq must first go to/thru Kuwait. I spent almost a week there attending business meetings with local vendors. One day we were able to get into Kuwait City and went to Marina Mall which is right on the Arabian Gulf. Here are some pics from that day.