Each day the news seems worse than the day prior. More people being killed everyday. This is not only in Iraq, but in other places of the world. We go on living, even almost accepting that this is the fate of mankind. During dinner last night we had two mortars come in very close. Several people ran outside to the concrete shelters. Many of us quickly ended our meal and moved outside wondering if our colleagues and friends were safe. We could see two plumes of smoke and the siren's from the fire engines began to blare. These mortars are in the perimeter and have hit near by.
I've now been back from my R&R less than a week. I return to Iraq with a heavy heart. Living these past four months in Baghdad has had an unexpected result in my personal life. From the perspective of not having so many things available to me (us) here in Iraq, I've grown to appreciate the things we do have. I've also grown to appreciate many of the things I've taken for granted as an American citizen, as a Westerner, as a man with way too many things in his life that distract from the real things in his life. I've looked back and seen how I have taken so many people in my life for granted. Friends, lovers, family members. You expect that many of them will always be there, that you always have time to make ammends or find time or that somehow, you hope that you will reconnect with them and everything will be ok. It does not always happen. There are so many possibilities in life that if you do not take the opportunity now to let someone know you love them, that you care, that you are there...well, tomorrow may come and the opportunity is lost forever. These mortars remind me that life indeed can be too short.
I think of someone I spent 3 years of my life with. Every day we were together we would say " I love you" some where during that day if not several times during the day. Things happened and we were separated by distance. The "I love you's" did not happen everyday, but in some way I felt we would always manage to be together. I thought the thought but did not follow it with an action. I took it for granted. Maybe they did too. I don't think we ever knew how to talk about it. There would always be time for this another day. It just never came.
While on my R&R I was able to visit my youngest sister and her family. They were celebrating the first birthday of their youngest daughter, Nayeli. Other members of my family were there to join in the celebration. My niece is a beautiful one year old. I am overjoyed that I was able to celebrate this occasion with 3 of my four sisters, my mom and two nephews and two nieces. I am a bit road weary my first day in San Antonio and end up sleeping 12 hours straight. But I am happy, if only to visit, to sit down and spend time with these members of my family. No expectation other than to take part in a day or two of their lives and enjoy them as they are. How much I have taken my family for granted. We may sometimes not see eye to eye, but I know I can count on them, as they can count on me. There is no need to entertain each other, only to share in our lives, even if only for two days. It has taken me going to Iraq to see that I want to visit my sister and her family in San Antonio more. We are the only two siblings not living in Santa Fe. How much I have taken for granted and waited for another day.
My first day in Dallas I am picked up at the airport by my friend Cyrus. I get into my home and am overcome with joy and tears. My home. my things. my refuge. I take a look around and see my 'things'. My 'things'. I see how many 'things' I have and I am saddened. The past four months I have been able to live having a pair of boots and a pair of running shoes, 3 sets of the same uniform, 7 pair of underwear and socks and 4 pair of athletic shorts and shirts. I don't have a tv or microwave. I live in a single room and share a bathroom. And here I am in my home with 7 rooms, a front and back yard, a car in the garage and way too many things that I now see have distracted me from living life. I've been blessed and have taken these blessings for granted.
I have a romantic evening planned my first day back with someone I have known for awhile . A litte fear runs through my veins. I realize that I haven't been touched much in the last four months, and especially not intimately, romantically. Will I remember how to kiss? Will I remember not to act like some crazed fool who is anxious to be touched? I'm nervous. I'm excited. I realize how much I have taken for granted. The simple touch of friends and family. A hug. A kiss. An arm around the shoulder or waist or the simple holding of another's hand. How often we take these simple gestures for granted. How often we deny them to others out of our fear, out of our anger. There may not be another day to hold that hand, kiss those lips or cheek or to hold someone near. How much we take for granted.
The next two evenings in Dallas I meet with friends and colleagues. I am overwhelmed by the love and generosity of these people. There is not enough time to talk and speak with everyone I want to. I've planned too much. Yet, in the moments of pause, I am able to look around and see these wonderful people. Each has inspired me in so many different ways. Each has provided some form of encouragement or support and because of that they are here. As I drive away from both these evenings I am overcome with tears. I can't explain it, but I know in my heart that I have taken them for granted. I've not let them know how important they are or have become in my life. Am I to wait another day?
The Tuesday before I head for Germany, I am able to spend time with my long time soul brother, Jim Frederick. His dog Sammy , his constant companion for the last 5 years , has to be put to sleep. It is a difficult time for Jim. He knows it is the best thing for Sammy. It does not make it any easier. I've seen Jim with Sammy and know how much Sammy has been there for Jim when I could not be. So many times I have felt that I have let Jim down and I did not want to let him down now. I knew I would be going back to Baghdad, and I wanted to be with Jim now. I did not want to take him for granted any longer. I hope he knows how important an influence he has been in my life. And so I tell him. We sit there in silence as Sammy passes. There are no tears yet. There is only a silence between us. We know we understand it and there is no need for speaking. We hold each other for a moment and drive off. My friend knows I love him. And I know he loves me . No matter where each of us may be in the world, we know we are not alone.
Frankfurt Airport is a very large airport, filled with all the modern conveniences a travel hub can have. I move through customs and thru baggage claim and out to a waiting throng of people. There waiting in the crowd is my friend Joaquim. He is ready with a smile and a hug. We meet other friends for drinks that evening. Troy, Alberto and Vincenzo. We are only missing Peter because I miscommunicate. The next evening we meet more friends for dinner and again, I am overwhelmed by these gifts in my life. My friends in Germany. I am welcomed and treated as if I never left. Here too, my time is short and I do not get to visit everyone I would have liked to. I am reminded again of how truly blessed I am.
And so here in Iraq I see that I have also taken for granted my ability to access things and people. After 4 months I became rather used to living as I did. Working 7 days a week 10-12 hours a day. Falling into a routine that seemed perfectly normal. And then I went home. I forgot about how I could interact with my family and friends. I forgot how important they are to me. I realized that by not communicating to them what my thoughts were, I was expecting them to read my mind. I was taking them for granted.
My friends Anthony and Chris, and others, have told me so many times how truly blessed I am. I don't know why I couldn't hear that or see that when they told me. I know now...and feel now, that they are right. I am so truly blessed. I have learned one cannot remain living in the past and holding on to what might have been. You can make an effort today for tomorrow. Don't leave it up to people trying to read your mind or you reading theirs, to figure out how you are feeling about someone or what you may need from them or what they may need from you. Tell them. Give them the opportunity to respond to you and you to them.
Each of us has our own desert that we must experience. Each must take the time out of our busy lives to re-examine our priorities. You may not need to spend 4 months in a real desert. But you should have a desert experience sometime. It can help you refocus. It can help you realize what is important in your life. It can show you how blessed you truly are.
If only we could look beyond the horizon to a future that we now create, what would we see? Would we change our current ways of doing things if we knew what kind of future it would create?
I leave you with the beginning of a column I have read everyday since I've been in Iraq. It has a different meaning to me today than it did before I went on R&R.
Stars & Stripes, Mid East Edition:
U.S. deaths in Iraq, The Associated Press
As of (day of the week), at least 1,6** members of the U.S. Military have died since the beginning of the Iraq war in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count.
We here at Camp Liberty learned yesterday that complacency can cost you your life. How complacent have we become about our country, our politics, our environment? Count your blessings. There are many you may not even realize you have.
Blessings and peace to each of you.
Robert
